Otay...

It's been a while eh?
Well I guess I can give the world one final update on the whole chelsea thing... So in a nut shell, we had another huge fight thursday brought on by some bad comments... Basically ended alright, not as good as before, but thats life... I pretty much told her that I couldn't stand her being a part of my life any more because I always made it hurt so much... I've gone as far as blocking her and her friends on AIM so I'm not compulsively checking away messages or profiles. I'm quitting cold turkey and hopefully I'll gain something out of it... Thats that...
So what else is new? Homework, and lots of it... Um Friday was boring as all get out...
Saturday night was awesome - yeah it gets its own paragraph! So I drove to Bloomington to pick up my IU girls, cuz I love em like that. Then started drinking (or at least they did) at 8, I couldn't join cuz I felt responsible to stay sober enough to work my Security job for the party... Danny decided to spit some shit and turn my night into a living hell with the whole jeni erica escapade... Damn you Danny... Well I'd have to say that the shit never really stopped flying that night... There was a point where I thought everything was ok, but of course there was still drama flying out of everyone's ass... Well I think everything is OK now... Or at least I hope so... Looking back on it, that really did dampen the night... I hope it never happens again... I don't think I'll let it again... But hey, it was still a really good time, I hope that everyone else had a good time if you look past all the drama and remember the good things! Thanks for the good weekend girls!
Well I've been talking to Erica, and staying up way too late... I'm so going to be passing out in my classes tomorrow... oh well... its college life!
< 4 hours of sleep anyone?
w00t! go team!

I <3 Chelsea's friends

That I do...
They "try" to help me, but because of my perception of how the relationship fell apart, and because of the types of comments they make, it only reinforces my thoughts which bring me down...
I sincerely hope that if you're a friend of chelsea and you don't go to rose hulman, that you seriously just stay out of my life. I don't want to hear it because you don't know. This blog doesn't tell hardly any of the story about me and my feelings...
I am happy that I went through the night basically fighting with cambrie without crying, but that doesn't mean it didn't make me feel like shit.
I can be depressed as long as I want... If this life of regret is what God thinks I deserve for my mistakes then so be it... I leave my life totally in his hands to do so what he wishes - no one can bring me out of this cycle besides him... people like cambrie certainly can't break this cycle - they only make old scars become open and deeper wounds...
Just to remind you, I keep this blog to keep those who care about my life informed as to my well being... If you don't care, don't post a comment. If it hurts you to read my blog, don't read it. If you think you need to talk to me, do so thru other means than comments. Reserve commenting for those small comments that are insightful and bright.
For those people that truly care about me and will bitch at me for another post like this, I'm sorry...
I hate how one person can make me feel like this....

Feeling better already!

I'm still DRUNK - It's GREAT! Just makes me all the more honest!
Well feeling better already... With the final exception of reading her profile one more which really pissed me off, at least I know it's the last I'll ever have to look at it again for a long long time! As my profile says - I will never forget, but I'll never look back.
I have some awesome friends that make me oh so happy!
Jeni wrote me an awesome message:
"All I'm gonna say about your blog is that you need not to be sooo hard on yourself. You have to look at the big picture. You are letting one girl in this world tear yours completely apart. Your every move is about how she makes you feel. You are always sad and upset. Turn the tables around.....do you think she is doing this over you? No she probably isn't because she has already moved on. As tough and sad as that is...that's life. Every day you get through this the stronger a man you are for doing it. You have so many supporters that are willing to give you the whole world to make you happy again but we can't if you don't join in too. Instead of being upset of all the great things you have lost..think about everything you have gained from this. It's bigger than material things and freedom...just think about how our friendship came into play. yeah you might have lost her but you gained me. Seriously. Girlfriends are temporary- friends are forever. Remember that! You have people that will always be here to help you through this." you're a wonderful friend jeni! I <3 you long time!
Nikki! you're always there for me, through the thick and the thin, you're awesome and of course you deserve mention in my blog!
Erica! you're wonderful! I really don't know what I'd do with out you, Halloween party is going to rock, and I really can't wait to see you!
Buddy, you're a great brother without even knowing it... You put this whole chelsea thing into a different and better perspective... I'll make sure to divulge further into my new found viewpoint later but I can assure you, most of it comes from Buddy... just in my rendition...
Time to pass out cuz I'm to drunk to do my homework right now!
GO TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!

Digging my last hole...

That's it...
I'm done...
I can't do it anymore... I hate to admit it, but Edmonson is right - the day has finally come when I don't want to live with the pain of her anymore... I have been completely replaced by a mother fucking texan of all things... what - the - fuck? I'll never be able to look her or her family face to face anymore. I'll never be able to talk to chelsea again because I hate living like this, I pretend it's ok, I pretend it will get better, but it never does. I'm sorry chelsea, I won't be there on your wedding day... I'll at least attempt to send you a card on your special and beautiful day...
Somehow...
I hope...
This will make at least one part of my life better... I'm not saying I'm not over her... I'm just saying that she makes me hurt all the time... So maybe one day I'll finally get over that, and we can finally become friends again... Probably won't be till after college... And by then she will probably be 1000 miles away...
But hey, thats life... it sucks then you die!
Well now I'm going to try and start my life anew... Try to have a good day downtown at Crackers Comedy Club... then probably drinking heavily tonight...
call the cell if you want to join me.

Grrrrrrr.......

durr...
Here I am again... not depressed... just royally and sincerely pissed off at the world and myself... I'm chasing after dreams only to realize they aren't meant to be or that they will just never happen, and I hate myself for wasting my time... I can be such a hypocrite... I tell freshman not to waste their 4 years here, but as far as I can tell, I've pissed away many more days than I've spent well...
I don't want to accept my fate which I've come to know as time passes... thats probably why I keep chasing these dreams...
Once again, I find myself lost because I don't want to accept my fate and I don't want to waste time chasing pointless dreams...
I hope Edmonson can help me... I'm laying it all down again this weekend sometime... maybe by the end of the weekend I won't be so pissed off at everything, and I'll finally make some decisions I've been thinking about making for awhile now...
Let's just say that I've been considering pushing everyone but those VERY close to me, and my brothers out of my life so I might have a shot at finally not being a hypocrite anymore... These thoughts and actions take too much out of my life all for probably nothing in the end... and thats been bugging me for a while...
Yeah... I'm definitely wasting away my life... One day I'll look back on my life and remember a few grand things... My parents, grandparents, brother, the first person I kissed, the first person I loved, brothers, Philmont, my eagle scout, graduating from CHS and RHIT, and thats probably about it...
I'm so pissed off right now...
This post hardly makes sense to myself, so don't be going off any getting any wrong ideas...
go team???

DRUNK!

Yeah - That I am!
Erica - I <3 you long time - FUNZIES!
Jeni - STARBUCKS! - I'm Sorry!
Noodle - WTF? there you both made it in my blog - assclown hahahhahha
Nikki - You're spectacular! did I spell that right?
Derek - You're still a douche bag hahahha

gotta luv drunk people :-D
*passes out in his chair*

My roommate is a gigantic Douche Bag...

Yes yes yes... we all know that, but tonight it was more prevalent than the norm.

Besides that shit, I think I'm coming out of my relapse - at least for now.
For those of you who haven't noticed, it was about a 3-4 day streak... shorter than before so I count myself thankful... Who's to thank? Erica... Her attitude towards it all was just flawless... I had friends that got mad at me for being depressed and I had friends that simply said nothing at all because they didn't know what to say... But Erica, she didn't get mad, she didn't stay quiet, she always wanted me to know she was there for me, and she kept that promise, and gave me a helping hand out of this hole I dug for myself... All of that caring and support in combination with the phone call at the homework hotline and the "funzies" comment took me out of that hole and practically put me on a mountain - or at least a hill haha. I think that as long as I know she's there for me, just like she was this time and the times before I can be alright... One day before Edmonson heads off to the Peace Corp, I know I'll finally fully open up to her... And count her amongst the 2... maybe 4... that I've ever done that to...

Anyways, Homework Hotline was awesome - Thank ya Noodle for giving me a call too! Also, it was a slow night so I actually got something accomplished while I was there!

Came back to the house, chilled, then got in a pathetic bitch and moan argument with my roommate - DBag... That was fun... Only 5 weeks in, and unlike Wojo, I don't think I can adapt to fix it... maybe we can be those roommates that never talk to each other, that'd be sweet - then I can just live on the couch like Schwenk! :-p

Random blurb which has been on my mind for a while: Poetic crap about love, relationships, and friendships are all bullshit - Why? Cuz I can always come up with a reason why its not true, and besides, the words aren't your own, they aren't from your own experience, and thus they should mean absolutely nothing and dictate nothing in you life! Just my two cents.

Time for bed - with a smile on my face for once... I recommend buying or acquiring by other means Shinedown's new CD "Us and Them" cuz it is awesome, you should atleast download the song "Shed some Light", cuz I can't get enough of it!
Go Team!

Lost...

No, not the retarded TV show that my roommate watches...
I don't know what to do with my life, where to go with it, or what I've done in the past with it... It is all a blur and the future isn't any clearer or brighter...
I'm stuck here at this school I'm starting to despise, in the town I hate, forced to live out the next year and a half wasting away... then off to the life of monotony that will naturally come to consume me, just like school, when I find a job after school is over with... and then there will be truly no one to listen or care... as if anybody really does right now...
You think you know me but you know nothing...
I hardly know myself...

Whoops...

Yeah... So I realized that I didn't include any happy thoughts in my blog recently - as duly noted by everyone telling me I'm depressive and Jeni bitching me out haha! I'm sorry Jeni!
Well, this is what I should have posted last weekend... PIKE Scavenger Hunt was Friday night... We had to "barrow" a huge list of things ranging from Weber BBQ Grills to Booty Shorts signed by a sorority member (Thanks Jeni! You're awesome! Haha!). It was a good time - especially when we "borrowed" a lawn chair from a "abandoned" building, then saw someone writing down our license plate number as we drove away - Oops! So we drove back and talked to the guy - He thought it was hilarious how he caught us by "writing" down our plate number - Then thought it was even more funny that we were Rose students and had nothing better to do - Then let us take the chair because it was for our scavenger hunt! haha it was a highlight up there with booty shorts haha! After that was over I went out with the other 21's to celebrate Wojo's and Hirakco's 21st's. Wojo made it to 17 shots and Hirakco to 10 shots - Wojo had a head start, but I still respect him (I'll explain for Saturday haha).
Saturday was F U In the A for driving around Bloomington day haha. Such a pain in the ass, and through some random road I magically turned up almost exactly where I needed to be - Lucky me or else I would have had to back track 10 miles. We had a massive stash to use up for the night, so Erica, Amanda, and I started working at 8. 10 shots later I was gone by 9:30 - hence the respect for Wojo even though the time was much longer for him. I passed out till 11:30 when the girls went out, but I probably couldn't walk straight so it was probably for the best except for what happened after. I did my best to help out and hope I did something right.
OK, so now back to today and more recent stuff. Looks like I'm heading straight for the B's and B+'s again in class... I really want an A... It's been over a year since I tasted one... Deans list would be nice too! Anyways, had to go home right after class to take Alec (roommate from this summer) to the airport, unpacked, did laundry, chilled, then was online from 11 till 3am talking (yeah - you know), then blogged it up...
I hope the rest of this break goes well and doesn't seem short...
I'm running tomorrow to get my fat butt in shape and to burn off the ice cream and brownies I had at dinner - Darn the good home cooked food!
Go Team!
-A much happier Eric

What the F?

Someone...
Please...
Save me...
These scars won't heal...
I am hopeless...
(sorry to those who care about me to write another bad post...)

What is wrong with me?

I've come to this odd point right now where I feel like I'm just not normal...
I can't explain it... It is almost like I feel I just need to be completely alone... Out in the middle of Philmont or something where nothing can bother me and there is nothing to think about...
I'm so confused as to who I am and what the hell I'm doing with my life...
I'm starting to think that I just need to be by myself for a long time... Stop waiting for that phone call, stop waiting to drive somewhere, stop waiting to see someone, just @%$@ stop waiting... I feel like life is passing me by again, and this time it isn't because I'm consumed in a loving relationship, its just passing me by... pointlessly.
Sometimes... I feel like I care too much for too many people... There really are only a handful of people I would drop whatever I'm doing for them... No matter how much crap I'd take, or the consequences I'd face, I would still do anything for them... But even with just a handful of people, I still feel like I've stretched myself too thin... And I really don't know what to do... Part of me wants to have the best damn time of my life with my brothers, another part of me wants to grow up so fast it isn't even funny... I even think it is ridiculous how much I sometimes hate the college life and long for the boring years that will follow...
Have I confused the crap out of you all yet?
Well now you kind of know how I feel...
- a very lost and confused - go team...

Another belated post...

So yeah, I'm sure I had lots to talk about yesterday... but as luck would have it, it has all left my mind since then... Basically what I think was on my mind yesterday (brought up by Erica being down about being stuck at IU) was that NO ONE ever deserves to spend their life depressed for any extended period of time, no matter how great the loss or how bad it might seem, it will always get better in the end... This was a reflectional thought for me thinking to myself back when I was having a hard time... I could try and forget about it and it would come crashing back down on me. But at least now with the help of some awesome friends, I know that being depressed is no way to spend you life! If anyone who gives a damn enough to read this blog, well then I give a damn enough to help them whenever they need me, no matter what it is, no matter what time of day...

Now I guess I can post about what is on my mind right at this moment... I'm stuck in a conflict and I'm not sure what to do... Part of me really really wants to have the love and compassion of a genuine relationship again even if it means putting my heart on the line again and again until there is almost nothing left. Another part of me tells me that now is not the time to be dating... and that I'm probably still not in a good enough emotional state to carry out a successful relationship... Or maybe its just cuz I suck at being single. Either way, I don't know what to do... Only time can really tell me what is right and what is wrong. I just wish I had an "Easy" button sometimes haha...

Love you all! - Go Team!

Homework is stealing my life

Been really busy the last 36 hours with school, with the exception of the 2 hour break I needed or else I would have gone AWOL by now...
Anyways... Just wanted to say really quick that I hope if you're kind enough to leave me a comment on my blog that you at least sign your name...
Go Team!

Rose Blows

I suck at doing my ECE207 Elements of Electrical Engineering II homework... So I'm blogging it up instead!

Ummmm... Don't even know what to post about... Well I do, just gotta phrase it right...
Well I've spent 20 minutes thinking to myself about how to write about this... thats too much effort... Let's just say I don't like being reintroduced to the whole dating scene... I wish it was a lot easier... I hate drama, with a passion haha.

I think I'm in the phase where I'm totally over the X... Not ready for the chase of dating yet... More of the I don't care about girls unless they show they care about me, and if a girl walks into my life without me having to chase very far then thats great - phase haha! might have to read that one twice to understand it!

Erica, I'm sorry about all the drama (my fault) and confusion (our fault haha), but its good to know we're cool.

Jeni, you're like the sister I never had! Thanks for the random phone call, its always good to hear from you! You're fabulous!

I'll feel so much happier now... I like running around with random smiles and enjoying the little things in life... I think I'm scaring Derek with how often I now have a smile on my face!
Had a GREAT weekend, I only hope the next one can be just as great!
Go Team!

BTW, if you know any cute, down to earth, and single girls, pass them my cell phone number!

Homecoming 2005 Rocks your world!

Holly crap....
its 3 in the morning, I'm so wasted... I'm sucking at the typing but hey, its cool! Anyways, I've had so many people complain about my depressive postings that I had to promise like 5 people to STFU and quit that shit! I couldn't agree more! She's doing her thing, I'm doing my thing! And THATS THAT!
Homecoming was freaking crazy! Friday night had more drama than it should have, but it was still a great time! Even better yet is that I've got Homecomings back to back BIATCHES! hahah! <3 ya Erica!
In addition, Jeni is like the best friend I never had... The replacement to Edmonson in like Lady form... and not to mention, she looks a hell of a lot better than Edmonson! Wow I'm drunk! haha! You're the best Jeni! I think you might have already earned your X-mas present! Just keep up the good work! haha! We need to hang out more - SOBER hahah! 1-5 is mall hangout time! :-p
Oh damn thats good stuff!
Well I suppose its time for me to pass the fark out... its about that time! Single or not, doesn't Fing matter... I will find that special someone some day... I know God will be there to help me!
But for now, I'm just enjoying life to it's fullest!
BTW, I've got a fifth and a half for you girls to polish off, so get over hurr!
GO TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3 Ya all!
in ppka,
-Eric M. Schue!
*passes out* :-p