What do you find when you Google your name?

I found an old BMW club track time info that shows I beat my Dad in the SL when he had the Galardo, this blog, and some other crap. Maybe now that this blog crap is tied to my google account i'll post more? Yeah, right... maybe after I get bored in my new house.

"Hide and Seek"

.... A random song that I heard on TV, then proceeded to immediately download and listen to several times...
Since about 9 tonight I randomly slipped into a bit of depression...
Don't know how far it will go...
Don't know how long it will go on...
Don't know how I got here...
Don't know what caused it...
Don't know how to stop it...
I can't concentrate... Not a good thing to happen before my weekly homework crunch tomorrow...
I guess I'll try to go to bed and get some sleep... thats about the only thing I even have a chance at getting done tonight...

"Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah of course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm, what you say?"

Semi-?

So today was a pretty long day at school...
When I got back I had a small epiphany and realized what might have initiated all this was really a "lie". A letter based on false short term thoughts, the results of a distant summer relationship strained further by total isolation while on vacation and her and my stress at school... We talked for a while then headed out to Starbucks for free drinks.
Afterwards I pretty much hung out with Kenna for the rest of the day - which I definitely didn't suspect to do, but I have to admit, it was fun as always (fun like it was before) just without the hugs and holding hands and a less consistent smile on my face...
I had a fun time never the less, but at one point during the night I had a harsh reminder of our situation - a picture frame, now empty, with what used to be a picture of us - and also a moment that reminded me of her total freedom to see other guys now. That was probably the low of the night although just spending time with her can make me happy...
I started to think and review the night on the way back from dropping her off...
Basically the only conclusion I could come up with was that waiting for her is something I can do, and it is really only a question of how long I can do that... I know that waiting for her now is no different than if I decided to never see her again. I would not be over her and would have no interest in dating other girls so there's no difference there and that's really the only one that matters in a situation like this. However, the time I let my self wait could vary greatly... Either I spend 1/2 the time I would getting over her waiting, and the other half quickly getting over it, waiting an equivalent time, or simply wait as long as I feel I feasibly can (until I move away from Terre Haute in which case I would declare myself a secret stalker).
I really don't know what to do, but tonight, and for now, I think I could wait quite a while...
I can only pray and sleep tonight... Until tomorrow... Adios

I hate my mind...

I wake up at 6:36 this morning and within 15 seconds my thoughts are "ahh... another day of school... (quickly followed by) its another day to think about what I did and why it didn't work out" The thoughts won't leave my mind... And there is no way past that fact... I should just skip all my classes because I won't be able to pay attention anyways...

My song for the morning... "See the animal in his cage that you built. Are you sure what side you're on? Better not look him too closely in the eye. Are you sure what side of the glass you are on? See the safety of the life you have built, Everything where it belongs. Feel the hollowness inside of your heart, And it's allRight where it belongs. What if everything around you, Isn't quite as it seems? What if all the world you think you know, Is an elaborate dream?And if you look at your reflection, Is it all you want it to be? What if you could look right through the cracks? Would you find yourself, Find yourself afraid to see?"

There is nothing left of me...

This is what I do when I'm...

This is what I do when I'm depressed... Hence why I haven't posted in a very long time...
Just when you think everything in your life couldn't get much better the world you've tried so hard to build is pulled out from underneath you.
I felt today like I haven't felt in a long time... I felt like I did almost 14 months ago to the day (3 short of being at 14 months) which was when my old ex (yes I have to refer to it as "old" ex now) broke up with me.
The feeling of your stomach dropping out of your body...
The feeling of sadness and tears...
The feeling of complete and utter hopelessness...
The feeling of wishing I had died on July 7th 2005 to avoid all of this...
I spent about an hour walking around the grounds trying to find a rhyme or reason why this happened and how to make it not seem so bad. But even the old man (Edmonson) couldn't help me. My perception of everything has changed so much and each time something like this happens I come closer and closer to conclusions that only scare me. I graduate in less than 8 months and I feel like there is nothing left to my life and that if my life were to end today, I would feel as if I've missed out on nothing. That is all I really believe my future to hold at times like this...
How many times can you fall, in the same way, and be so damaged, and still get up? For me, and for today, it seems like that number is only 2.
I can say I've learned something from this, and that is to never trust my heart again, and if that's true, then I can never be in a fulfilling relationship.
I never want to fall like this again... I have very little left...
I have 30 more weeks of school trying to ignore this most recent past, a picture with frame that was never mounted (how ironic are my insecurities), and a cat that will always remind me of my mistakes in life...
I proved my old ex wrong - all these changes I've made mean nothing - and it probably never will.
I feel incompatible and I see no reason why that would ever change.
I suppose I'll try to get some sleep and attempt to pay attention in class rather than think about this - as I'm sure it will rule and or ruin my life for the next month or more...
-Schue

"Was it worth it? Jesus Christ... How irreparably changed my life has become... It’s always the last day of summer and I’ve been left in the cold with no door to get back in... I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments... Life passes most people by while they are making grand plans for it... Throughout my lifetime, I’ve left pieces of my heart here and there, and now there is almost not enough to stay alive, but I force a smile... There are no more white horses, or pretty ladies at my door…"

Brighter than Sunshine...

Is how you might say I feel when I look at her smile and eyes...
There is one problem, I'm apprehensive...
I can't tell if it's just been brought on because she is still apprehensive, or if it really is me... But I'm almost positive that it's just me trying to protect myself because she is also trying to protect herself...
I can tell, though, that she's emotionally sensitive, even more so than me, and is probably why I was so concerned for her tonight, especially when I heard her voice crack when the past was brought up... It's good that we are on the same level again (just like a lot of other things) but I think the real problem is that she still hasn't gotten herself final closure and you can really only become stable after you get that... As I know... I'm just not as sensitive as her, and simply avoid the details of the subject at all cost, or I do become emotionally unstable, very quickly... That’s probably another reason for my recent apprehension...
The sooner the crap hits the fan, the sooner, I think and hope, we'll both start letting down our guards...
That explains why I kind of feel the same now as I do before we got into a relationship. It's because there is the same 'don't get too close' attitude before as there is now. Just now I don't have to worry about if she'll go out with me on a weekend, but instead worry about getting hurt worse... It's a risk that we all must take, its just a question of how sturdy are the hands you're falling into, and I would like to think that both of us have been through enough to never hurt each other like we have been in the past...
I'm tired... I might try to get up early and run again tomorrow, assuming my muscles, knee, and heart are up for the challenge... Clean up around the grounds or do some homework... Then hopefully get to hang out with Kenna for the rest of the day :)
I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know I'll have a smile on my face when I see her again :)

Make-up post...

"Interesting what 10 days can do to me..."
Again, it holds true... Except its more like 11 days, but whatever, who's really counting when you're having fun? ;)
Lets see if I can say what I want to, without bringing out examples, but to give ya'll an idea what I'm talking about, its the same person I mentioned at the end of my last post that justifies the reason for this post...
Normally I blog about stuff... What I've been doing, what's going on etc... But mostly about what is making me happy at the moment and what is making me sad or mad... Recently I've avoided the sad or mad, or I should say that those things have avoided me, and I should be thankful...
Well, this one is mostly about why I'm happy, but this is a variation form the norm, if you can see it...
So, my thoughts over the past 7 crazy days?
Given that I'm a very perceptive person, quick to react and make decisions, makes this last week hard to deal with... Although I know everything is right, and near perfect as I know it could be with time, I have to restrain myself... I hate the feeling of seeing a bright future in front of me, but not being able to reach out and just grab it... It's almost painful to think that you'd be willing to change almost anything but it may not be good enough... I've done better this time at not jumping the gun and that has helped me in some ways deal with last week. It gives me a different perspective of what's going on... With that in mind, and the amount of time spent in the last week, I don't think I'm jumping the gun anymore... The only thing I had left to check doesn't even matter anymore... I know its fine and I have nothing to worry about, I know so...
I see the reasons for why there is a space between us...
But to me, I've already made up my mind, and crossed the line, into blindness, opening myself up to being hurt again, and I'm simply just waiting to see if she'll cross that line later as well...
I know that I could be on the other side waiting for a long time... And there is always a point at which the pain of waiting exceeds the pain involved with risking being hurt... I just hope it doesn't cross that point... It takes a lot of me every day, to hold myself down, and keep that pain down... And for now, I'm doing a very good job...
How can I know so soon, you might ask?
When you find a person that not just makes you happy, but takes you for you, even with your flaws, and also come to find that you have fun with her, and time begins to slip away, forgetting your surroundings, and you are in that moment.........
When looking at her smile makes your heart skip and when her eyes captivate you every single time you look at them...
When you find that rather than having to change yourself for her, she changes you, and makes you all the happier at the same time...
When you believe....
I could go on for hours... But I would rather go dream about it all...