My heart and mind... part2

Ugh...
I Wish that people wouldn't leave BS comments...
Anyways...
Moving out of my apartment tomorrow, then off to Boston to see my bro for a few days, then back to school and then I'll post some more...
But for now, you only get this "small" blurb:
Talked to Chelsea for the first time in over a month. Did so with a nauseating feeling because of that comment. Glad I did get to talk to her, as always!
The battle still continues. It's nights like these where my Mind tells me that Chelsea is right and we are better off as friends... We do have a awesome time whenever we talk to each other, but I don't know if that's because we were once compatible or just because we've shared so much. My Heart on the other side can never forget that feeling she always gave me, and the smile she put on my face.
All I know is that she is such a good friend that I never want to do anything to screw that up. I never want to lose touch because I always wanted to see her happy, and if this is the only way I can do it then so be it. I just hope she has the time of day for me. I know things will get busy with a tough year at school, 3 crazy roomies, and all the boys that will be chasing after her beautiful hair and eyes! All the more reason to keep a blog, that way I can just drop her funny or comforting comments whenever. That's what friends are for, right?
I just see myself being faded out of her life and its a horrible feeling that I can't do much about...
90 miles was a large enough gap to bridge with a loving relationship...
Now 90 miles and hardly having the time to even see each other a few times a year seems like there is now a ocean between us...

Got a long week ahead of me... wish me luck getting everything done and not screwing something up...

My heart and mind...

Well... After a week in a good old relapse, giving myself hell for losing her... and after crying for hours late Saturday night... I finally am almost at ease.
Edmonson helped me realize what I didn't want to believe, and that is this is all the result of fate screwing up, or that I've lost her by my own fault. I know that I lost her, it is all my fault, and the worst thing is knowing that I screwed up time and time again and lost the person that I loved most, and will always love. It will always be my greatest regret, but there is nothing I can do about that now... and that really sucks, and it really really hurts. But what gives me even more pain than that, is to know that I didn't make her happy... Even though I think I could if I had a second chance, it's too late. I've lost her.
But I know, that there is something far worse and more painful than all this... and that would be not having her as a friend at all. It shoots my heart to the floor each time I see her get online... see her picture... but I think that's partially because I'm so fearful of total loss. I must have her as a friend, or else it will make this situation far more painful... it will cut the scar even deeper...
I remember during the night it ended for real... there were 5 glorifying moments where I thought that maybe she was right, and that we are just nothing more than really good friends. That is true, we are really good friends... but not much separates that from love... and I knew that the feeling in my heart was true love, and I let that slip... so I want to catch whatever I can before the slips away too.
I feel like I've started to move on... because there is nothing I can do... I need her as a friend to finally move past all this.
I only fear that her friends will interfere with fate... if that is a possibility... but knowing that none of them know me... and that I will never get the time of day to change their minds is very disturbing... I felt like I did the night it ended, and on Saturday when Cambrie got online and deleted Chelsea's comments from my wall... Remembering what we had always brings a smile to my face... Knowing that people are out there trying to keep me from smiling like that again, and my faults to not show my true love are the things that make my heart feel like it is going to stop beating...
I'm ranting...
Chelsea... I don't plan on talking about this with you anytime soon... I don't know how you're handling this so I believe it's best to leave it be. It's up to you to talk to me about all this once again... as friends... I never want to lose you again... even if you're only a friend...
Love always,
-Eric Michael Schue

*small edit*
found this in a friend's profile... thought it was surprisingly related.
"I did hurt you, Katie, and maybe more than you know yourself. But that's not my worst guilt. . . . Katie, I wanted to marry you. It was the only thing I ever really wanted. And that's the sin that can't be forgiven-that I hadn't done what I wanted."-Ayn Rand, "The FountainHead"I dunno... parts of it apply, parts don't... whatever... random rant / edit.

It has been one of those weeks…

Been a while, but I’ve had some stuff on my mind and some busy nights. Had a really bad “relapse” this week – as I like to call it. Woke up after a pretty vivid dream on Tuesday night, only to realize that it was just that… a dream. That in combination with what Cambrie did to my facebook wall just made it all that worse. I think I’m right – they are all against me. I mean I messed up a lot over the course of 2.25 years, but nothing was probably worse than the impression I left her, but more so, with her friends. I still don’t have closure… and it’s hard to keep that from bothering me. I could go on and on about this… But I would prefer not to… For all I know she actually cares enough to read this, and that would only push away and piss her off more. All I can hope for is that I’ll get to see her for Christmas…

Well besides my depression what else is up in my life? Ummm… watched 5 hours of Real World one night… worked 11 hours one day… fixed Rick’s (the technician/operator) computer, or at least did all I could because I didn’t find much wrong with it. Had some pretty boring days at work because Cummins Industrial Center (CIC) in Seymour doesn’t have the greatest support… so if I randomly don’t get emissions, I kind of have nothing to do for the day. Oh well…
Moving back to the haute this weekend… Everything but clothes, computer, and food is getting moved. Yes the bed is going too… I can live on an air mattress for a few days right? Working on the room as well… and when I’m not moving or working on the room I’ll be chilling with my brothers or getting drunk with Noodle and Jeni… Hopefully I’ll be a bit more cheery next week…

TV is my new friend

I've never watched so much TV... Well maybe back when... no... this is the most I've watched ever...
I'm procrastinating when it comes to updating this stuff...
Probably cuz I haven't really sorted it out yet...
I just hope I'm "wrong"...
If I'm not, then I guess I can write what ever I want cuz no one will ever read it, let alone understand it.
Heh, got you confused yet?

Hope I have time to post some crap tomorrow... assuming I have it sorted out.

Busy Busy Busy

Its nice to keep busy because then I don't feel so lonely...
But damn... I'm really Friggin busy...
Can't wait for the weekend... even though thats busy too, at least its what I want to do!
Going home this weekend, cleaning up the car, installing my iPod and subwoofer stuff - so call the cell because I'll be back in C-Town!
Next weekend is moving all my stuff back to the Haute.
The 25th is my last day at Cummins... Leaving for Boston on the 26th come back the 30, back at school that night or early on the 31st.
Don't know why I'm writting it all down now... not like I have anything else to do than post crap...

Never been so bored

Yeah, never been so bored... and its not going to stop anytime soon... This is really gonna suck...
My room mate moved out today - so he's gone.
A good friend moved out this night - so she's gone.
The summer is over for most "normal schools" - so 3/4 of the interns are gone.
Columbus is relatively small - with no night life... let alone one to live without buddies to go out with...
No point in going to see movies by myself - no point drinking either... wasting my time being 21.
And worst of all... - I've got 2 more weeks of this kind of crap to deal with!

I get to come home every day after work to an empty, lonely, and quiet apartment... sweet eh?

Hell today was my first day dealing with all this... so what did I do? WORK! 12 friggin hours!

Spent what few hours were left fighting my cable modem since the router is gone.... and cleaning up my room... and just realizing how empty this place is.

w00t!

Test

I've started it back up again...
I hate this new layout... My old one got busted...
Columbus is boring...

Will update more and do a better job as I get back into this whole blogging thing...

-Schue