Reality sets in...

So...
I've known for a while that a good friendship with Chelsea isn't possible... Tonight helped to confirm that... I can not be a part of her life without prying at what we once "had"... Doing so only pisses her off and makes me miserable... and seeing her with another person so soon after our parting makes everything worse...
The only way we can continue on is with the occasional monthly or semi-monthly - "hi, hows it going, bye" conversations... That really sucks, but when it comes down to it, thats the truth... I will always have these memories, I will always have this regret, I will always remember the love that I lost...
So much to gain, so little left to lose...
Time to go distract myself with the distractions of Homecoming... and a massive drinking binge to waste away my troubles... Wake me up Sunday afternoon haha.
Go Team - I love ya!
in ppka,
-Schue

Another day passes me by...

Lets see if I can even remember what I was going to post about...
Well it came upon me last week that I could very well go through my entire life as a single person... a thought that helped keep me in manic depression all last week... But then today I realized it really wouldn't be so bad... Well compariatively to what I could of had and the single life it sucks big time, but its not horrible... I could easily see myself going from 25 - 50 just working a daily job and filling my life with activies and friends... For example, it would be awesome to be a scout leader for like 20 years... go to Philmont 10 more times... improve the lives of so many by being their troop leader... like the sons I never would get to have... Throw that on top of a renewed relationship with God and I think I could make my life quite fulfilling... The only problem would come when I get old, and there is no one by my side... Those last 25 some odd years of my life would be the most pathetic of all... I only hope to die an acomplished man who will always be remembered and not forgotten...

This is not the life I had planed, but you have to take what God has given you, and do your very best with it or else another day passes you by, and your life becomes filled with emptiness... I've learned this over the past 21 years of my life, letting things pass me by, not caring enough about the present, taking the future for granted... I have a future... its not the one I'd like to have, but I'd have to say it is still brighter than some, and thats good enough for me... My darkest days have finally past me, even though those dark clouds will always linger... I still have a bright future, just not as bright as it should have been...

Only God and myself will ever know my true feelings for Chelsea... They are an unexplainable beating in my heart that will never leave me as long as I remember... I never want to forget what true love felt like... Shakespear was right... Even though it has cost me so much pain in the past, present and future... I would never trade that feeling of true love... It is a priceless gift I will take to my grave. Only God could ever bless me with such a feeling again...

Hrmmm... Falling asleep listening to Mr. Brightside (the Killers)... I think its a good time go to bed after I brush them teefers, do some situps, pushups and a prayer... Then up early to try and see if I can bust my knee by running 3 miles!
Night all...
Go Team! (go team now refers to my gurls - I <3 you all!)
in ppka,
-Schue

I am pathetic

Everytime I look at her away message...
Everytime I look at her profile...
Everytime I think of what I lost...
Everytime I think of what should have been...

My heart breaks again...
Over and over...
This feeling will never stop...
I'm lost and nothing without her...
How can I ever move on...
My life is empty...
I have no hope...
The only reason I have to see another day is simply to make my parents proud...

I'm bawling at my desk again...
bye bye for now...

I shouldn't be posting right now...

Yes... I'm posting...
and Yes... I'm partial intoxicated...
and Yes... I've been talking to Chelsea...
Bad combination... I'll try to refrain the thoughts running through my head from entering this post... so it will probably short just because thats all I can think about... Durr... I probably won't sleep well tonight...

Well so it's been 5 days since my last post... No surprise Rose has managed to swallow me whole again... the GMC firetruck is broken again! w00t! Umm, had 3 tests this week which will probably the basis for the rest of the quarter... I could really use a 4.0 right about now... Which randomly reminded me to post my resume on Cummins.com... I already posted it for a position with Daimler-Chrysler and Caterpillar... What else it knew? Well I've only gotten 6 real calls in the last 18 days! Damn I'm popular... People are trying to get me to give them my Razr cuz I never use it... they are almost right... Almost! Well thats about it for my life...
Edmonson says I need to get a hoby... I would agree... but when would I find the time... or how could it ever replace that feeling of someone special... And on that note I'm recognizing this post is getting emotional, just like my state of mind right now... So on that note...
go team...

3 posts in a row? What is this? Amature hour?

3 posts in 3 days can only really mean one thing... I'm bored out of my mind!

Last night was awesome... I'm just that crazy to drive to Bloomington at 10 at night and have to drive back at 9 in the morning! But hey, if it means there is a party or at least drunken people to make fun of, then I'm all over it, cuz right now Terre Haute is very lacking on that and cute girls.

Well I guess the boredom just got postponed till tonight... Now its Saturday and all my plans have fallen through... No surprise cuz I don't have enough friends close enough to Terre Haute...

Blah...

I guess I'll do some homework.
yay...
go team...

Boredom ensues

*Sigh*
I hate depression...
But hey, at least I'm coming out of it...
I said some asshole-ish things to Chelsea that I shouldn't have said... I should have taken Edmonson's words with more sincerity... I have been significantly knocked down on her totempole of priorities... Which is fine, I think not having much communication is probably the worst of it now... and I think think about it way too much... But like I said I'm stopping that... I'm taking Eddy's advice to heart now... I will be faithful and true to her, there when she needs me, a good friend always and to put the past behind us and move on...
I suppose another part of my life that I'm having trouble dealing with is that I know that with my lifestyle at a school like Rose-Hulman, in a town like Terre Haute, there isn't many possibilities to find someone special, which probably led to why I've been so clingy and I guess I should say more hopeful about Chelsea's and I situation... Bottom line, I fucked it up, I fucked it up big time and she has every damn reason in the world to not give a damn about me...

Anyways, enough about that crap... I'm tired of sulking over Chelsea... Nothing good will ever come of it... I just wish I wasn't single, especially on a Friday night when I'm sitting on my ass... At least if I had someone special I could be cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, holding hands at the movies, or just going out and having a fun time...

I seriously thought about driving to Bloomington just so I know I'd have fun plans for the night... No calls to the cell as usual so odds are I should have just driven to Bloomington instead... Thats two weekends in a row I've done jack shit... Blah... Terre Haute night life blows monkeys.

durr... go team...

I'm PMSing...

Its raining out... gloomy overcast day... homework has become my life... and I let my emotions dictate my life again...
Yesterday was awesome... besides waking up way too late after the Cubs game the night before, it was awesome. Was productive in Challenge X, then ran over to pick up the GMC fire truck... I gave my hand a second chance to drive a stick (which I haven't really done in 6+ years - and on top of that it doesn't have a syncro so you have to match RPMs - FUN!), and it was awesome! I did quite well actually... Took it back to the house, turned on the sirens, did a victory lap, then it was off to Deming for the Deming Block party rush event where I did a victory lap around campus with the sirens going. Campus security didn't like that one too much! Then I got a bunch of food, brought the GMC back and did one more victory lap. Then I decided to be a nice guy and get Jeni some Ralley's fries and just chilled at the mall till she had to go home. She always does a good job cheering me up and gives good advice. Then went back to the house and did jack crap... that was probably the start of todays depression - hinting the title PMS because I have so many up and down days now... There isn't much to look forward too (well not as much as there used to) and that is really depressing.
*Sigh*... There is no longer a bright shining star waiting for me... No one that will be there whenever I damn well need them... I know my brothers here can do a lot, but that feeling of companionship and unconditional love is not replaceable... I may be trying to put my broken heart back together, but there will always be a void... Not having that something to look forward to is hard to deal with... especially on a day like this...
Well...
Back to homework...
yay...
go team...
durr...

Tricked ya

I deleted my last post due to inaccuracies...
Will update later...
Sorry....

Blogging What???

I hate being too busy... but at the same time it is awesome... I just don't have enough time to post on here and update the world (or the 1/500,000,000 of it that cares).

Anyways... Whats up?
Well... Ummm... fully moved into my room at the house... Just set up a 500 watt stereo system for my computer with a 10" sub... OWNIE OWNIE! hahah, it's sweet... I've been without real computer speakers for more than 2 years now... so it is awesome.

Oh yeah, Pike Foam was Freaking Awesome! I think Jeni was probably the most remembered person from the party cuz she was just crazy that night. Ian made the comment in CHAPTER of all things that she said she "wanted 7 minutes of personal time" with him. Ian responded with "That's great, but I think I could only last 5" L O L! So much fun living at the house...

Another crazy thing... ummm throwing propane tanks (full) on to a bon fire... yeah.... dumb idea haha! Umm how bout taking a 1964 Fire truck with no brakes... and towing a 1949 Fire truck with no brakes and no clutch with a small chain... then having the chain break and almost kill Derek... Oops! Had to chuck out the money to get it towed at 11 pm cuz it was on state road 40 a few hundred feet past our house!

Ummm what else... Classes are ok... I'm still a little behind on homework cuz I slacked off too much the first few days... But should be caught up this weekend.

Rush started this week... I hope it all goes well, doesn't take up all my free time, and that we get an awesome rush class!

Oh yeah, and I still have this awesome support group all around me. I've never had so many people simultaneously give a damn about me. I can't believe they have the time of day to listen to me whine! Thats what makes them all so great! There are starting to be some many people on that list that its getting hard to name them all! Maybe they heard that I bought a digital camera for my best friend this summer and they all want in hahah!

Go Team!

Clouded Thoughts

Why clouded thoughts? Probably because I should have posted here 3 or more times in the past week, and now my crapy memory has failed me and my thoughts are scattered again... I'll try to keep it together so it makes sense.

So... basically I've been really busy getting back ready for school. The first two days are over and classes seem ok for now... but I know that will change soon enough.

Basically I've been enjoying Pike to the fullest, always talking with my brothers and getting a ton of advice about the Chelsea thing... I didn't buy most of it because most of it was "she's a b****, f*** her". I would never ever say those types of things to her, or behind her back to my friends simply because its not true. She will always be fondly remembered, that much I know. I just wish things could be normal between us... like it was back before we were dating... the un-awkward aim conversations where we can laugh all day long... I really truly hope that things can really be "normal" again. I don't want to lose her friendship - or at least what seems to be left of it.

However, I think I'm finally getting past all this... It's all like a Hollywood movie, and it seems to have happened to a lot of Pikes - She's the one that got away. Rather I'd say, with my low self esteem, She's the one I lost. Either way, there is nothing I can do. There are a lot of "fish" in the "ocean" and even though it will take me a long time to find someone just as special, maybe even sooner than I think... I consider myself so fortunate to have found someone so great so early... so maybe that can happen again... maybe not... I don't know. All I know is that I've been thinking A LOT less about all this since I've come back to the house... And I've been thinking a lot more about the qualities that I want in a girl... and it's nice to say that even though I've only dated 2 people in my entire life, I'm very sure what I want in a girl... Chelsea was great, so that filled in a lot of those blocks for me... and the problems that developed the break up are the final pieces to the puzzle to finding that absolutely perfect woman... The only real question that just popped into my head is that I still may yet never find that woman... *STOP* not going down that path so you can breathe a sigh of relief as I just saved you 15 minutes of your life.

Anyways, I can't wait for Fall Foam 2005! In about 24 hours it will be all over, but I'll make the best of it.

Also, I have some of the best friends in the whole world! My brothers support me of course! But people I never thought cared too much about me, like Erica (first date), Erica (Wash U), Noodle, and Jeni and probably a whole list of people I'm forgetting have been there so much for me to help me through this ordeal! Thank you guys so much for everything you've done for me, especially your time and and a open ear! *hugs*

GO TEAM!!!!!! hahaha
-until next time.....