"Hide and Seek"

.... A random song that I heard on TV, then proceeded to immediately download and listen to several times...
Since about 9 tonight I randomly slipped into a bit of depression...
Don't know how far it will go...
Don't know how long it will go on...
Don't know how I got here...
Don't know what caused it...
Don't know how to stop it...
I can't concentrate... Not a good thing to happen before my weekly homework crunch tomorrow...
I guess I'll try to go to bed and get some sleep... thats about the only thing I even have a chance at getting done tonight...

"Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah of course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm, what you say?"

Semi-?

So today was a pretty long day at school...
When I got back I had a small epiphany and realized what might have initiated all this was really a "lie". A letter based on false short term thoughts, the results of a distant summer relationship strained further by total isolation while on vacation and her and my stress at school... We talked for a while then headed out to Starbucks for free drinks.
Afterwards I pretty much hung out with Kenna for the rest of the day - which I definitely didn't suspect to do, but I have to admit, it was fun as always (fun like it was before) just without the hugs and holding hands and a less consistent smile on my face...
I had a fun time never the less, but at one point during the night I had a harsh reminder of our situation - a picture frame, now empty, with what used to be a picture of us - and also a moment that reminded me of her total freedom to see other guys now. That was probably the low of the night although just spending time with her can make me happy...
I started to think and review the night on the way back from dropping her off...
Basically the only conclusion I could come up with was that waiting for her is something I can do, and it is really only a question of how long I can do that... I know that waiting for her now is no different than if I decided to never see her again. I would not be over her and would have no interest in dating other girls so there's no difference there and that's really the only one that matters in a situation like this. However, the time I let my self wait could vary greatly... Either I spend 1/2 the time I would getting over her waiting, and the other half quickly getting over it, waiting an equivalent time, or simply wait as long as I feel I feasibly can (until I move away from Terre Haute in which case I would declare myself a secret stalker).
I really don't know what to do, but tonight, and for now, I think I could wait quite a while...
I can only pray and sleep tonight... Until tomorrow... Adios

I hate my mind...

I wake up at 6:36 this morning and within 15 seconds my thoughts are "ahh... another day of school... (quickly followed by) its another day to think about what I did and why it didn't work out" The thoughts won't leave my mind... And there is no way past that fact... I should just skip all my classes because I won't be able to pay attention anyways...

My song for the morning... "See the animal in his cage that you built. Are you sure what side you're on? Better not look him too closely in the eye. Are you sure what side of the glass you are on? See the safety of the life you have built, Everything where it belongs. Feel the hollowness inside of your heart, And it's allRight where it belongs. What if everything around you, Isn't quite as it seems? What if all the world you think you know, Is an elaborate dream?And if you look at your reflection, Is it all you want it to be? What if you could look right through the cracks? Would you find yourself, Find yourself afraid to see?"

There is nothing left of me...

This is what I do when I'm...

This is what I do when I'm depressed... Hence why I haven't posted in a very long time...
Just when you think everything in your life couldn't get much better the world you've tried so hard to build is pulled out from underneath you.
I felt today like I haven't felt in a long time... I felt like I did almost 14 months ago to the day (3 short of being at 14 months) which was when my old ex (yes I have to refer to it as "old" ex now) broke up with me.
The feeling of your stomach dropping out of your body...
The feeling of sadness and tears...
The feeling of complete and utter hopelessness...
The feeling of wishing I had died on July 7th 2005 to avoid all of this...
I spent about an hour walking around the grounds trying to find a rhyme or reason why this happened and how to make it not seem so bad. But even the old man (Edmonson) couldn't help me. My perception of everything has changed so much and each time something like this happens I come closer and closer to conclusions that only scare me. I graduate in less than 8 months and I feel like there is nothing left to my life and that if my life were to end today, I would feel as if I've missed out on nothing. That is all I really believe my future to hold at times like this...
How many times can you fall, in the same way, and be so damaged, and still get up? For me, and for today, it seems like that number is only 2.
I can say I've learned something from this, and that is to never trust my heart again, and if that's true, then I can never be in a fulfilling relationship.
I never want to fall like this again... I have very little left...
I have 30 more weeks of school trying to ignore this most recent past, a picture with frame that was never mounted (how ironic are my insecurities), and a cat that will always remind me of my mistakes in life...
I proved my old ex wrong - all these changes I've made mean nothing - and it probably never will.
I feel incompatible and I see no reason why that would ever change.
I suppose I'll try to get some sleep and attempt to pay attention in class rather than think about this - as I'm sure it will rule and or ruin my life for the next month or more...
-Schue

"Was it worth it? Jesus Christ... How irreparably changed my life has become... It’s always the last day of summer and I’ve been left in the cold with no door to get back in... I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments... Life passes most people by while they are making grand plans for it... Throughout my lifetime, I’ve left pieces of my heart here and there, and now there is almost not enough to stay alive, but I force a smile... There are no more white horses, or pretty ladies at my door…"