This is what I do when I'm...
This is what I do when I'm depressed... Hence why I haven't posted in a very long time...
Just when you think everything in your life couldn't get much better the world you've tried so hard to build is pulled out from underneath you.
I felt today like I haven't felt in a long time... I felt like I did almost 14 months ago to the day (3 short of being at 14 months) which was when my old ex (yes I have to refer to it as "old" ex now) broke up with me.
The feeling of your stomach dropping out of your body...
The feeling of sadness and tears...
The feeling of complete and utter hopelessness...
The feeling of wishing I had died on July 7th 2005 to avoid all of this...
I spent about an hour walking around the grounds trying to find a rhyme or reason why this happened and how to make it not seem so bad. But even the old man (Edmonson) couldn't help me. My perception of everything has changed so much and each time something like this happens I come closer and closer to conclusions that only scare me. I graduate in less than 8 months and I feel like there is nothing left to my life and that if my life were to end today, I would feel as if I've missed out on nothing. That is all I really believe my future to hold at times like this...
How many times can you fall, in the same way, and be so damaged, and still get up? For me, and for today, it seems like that number is only 2.
I can say I've learned something from this, and that is to never trust my heart again, and if that's true, then I can never be in a fulfilling relationship.
I never want to fall like this again... I have very little left...
I have 30 more weeks of school trying to ignore this most recent past, a picture with frame that was never mounted (how ironic are my insecurities), and a cat that will always remind me of my mistakes in life...
I proved my old ex wrong - all these changes I've made mean nothing - and it probably never will.
I feel incompatible and I see no reason why that would ever change.
I suppose I'll try to get some sleep and attempt to pay attention in class rather than think about this - as I'm sure it will rule and or ruin my life for the next month or more...
-Schue
"Was it worth it? Jesus Christ... How irreparably changed my life has become... It’s always the last day of summer and I’ve been left in the cold with no door to get back in... I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments... Life passes most people by while they are making grand plans for it... Throughout my lifetime, I’ve left pieces of my heart here and there, and now there is almost not enough to stay alive, but I force a smile... There are no more white horses, or pretty ladies at my door…"
Just when you think everything in your life couldn't get much better the world you've tried so hard to build is pulled out from underneath you.
I felt today like I haven't felt in a long time... I felt like I did almost 14 months ago to the day (3 short of being at 14 months) which was when my old ex (yes I have to refer to it as "old" ex now) broke up with me.
The feeling of your stomach dropping out of your body...
The feeling of sadness and tears...
The feeling of complete and utter hopelessness...
The feeling of wishing I had died on July 7th 2005 to avoid all of this...
I spent about an hour walking around the grounds trying to find a rhyme or reason why this happened and how to make it not seem so bad. But even the old man (Edmonson) couldn't help me. My perception of everything has changed so much and each time something like this happens I come closer and closer to conclusions that only scare me. I graduate in less than 8 months and I feel like there is nothing left to my life and that if my life were to end today, I would feel as if I've missed out on nothing. That is all I really believe my future to hold at times like this...
How many times can you fall, in the same way, and be so damaged, and still get up? For me, and for today, it seems like that number is only 2.
I can say I've learned something from this, and that is to never trust my heart again, and if that's true, then I can never be in a fulfilling relationship.
I never want to fall like this again... I have very little left...
I have 30 more weeks of school trying to ignore this most recent past, a picture with frame that was never mounted (how ironic are my insecurities), and a cat that will always remind me of my mistakes in life...
I proved my old ex wrong - all these changes I've made mean nothing - and it probably never will.
I feel incompatible and I see no reason why that would ever change.
I suppose I'll try to get some sleep and attempt to pay attention in class rather than think about this - as I'm sure it will rule and or ruin my life for the next month or more...
-Schue
"Was it worth it? Jesus Christ... How irreparably changed my life has become... It’s always the last day of summer and I’ve been left in the cold with no door to get back in... I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments... Life passes most people by while they are making grand plans for it... Throughout my lifetime, I’ve left pieces of my heart here and there, and now there is almost not enough to stay alive, but I force a smile... There are no more white horses, or pretty ladies at my door…"
posted by Eric at
9/05/2006 12:10:00 AM
1 Comments:
Eric hunnie it cant be that bad. I MISS YOU TONS we hadnt talked in forever until i got a drunken call this weekend!! Let me tell ya i deffinately missed the calls. Please cheer up. Im sure god has some crazy plan in hand for you. You just gota stay strong and wait it out. I wanted to give up when mom died and i never wanted to try again. But look where i am at today. And i am very happy of who i have become all because i was strong through the rough times. So keep your head up, stay strong, and be proud of who u are. I have yet to find any faults in you. CHEER UP
Nikki
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Anonymous, at 1:38 AM
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