So confused in so many ways...

So just all who bother to read this knows what's going on, during the last week of space that Audra wanted, she went on a few random dates that she and I (kinda) knew had no real meaning or purpose, but she did go on one date that went better than those and probably better than ours have gone... What does that mean? What once was "our talk is long overdue" (the talk being about going into a committed relationship) got totally shattered in a day. So Audra and I talked about all this stuff last night and here we are... We are still 'dating' but I don't know exactly what to expect of that now...
I guess what makes it 'hurt' the most is that one date wiped out the last 10 we had... Really just makes me feel like I was just another date for her until something else came along... I know that's probably not what she really feels like, but its how it makes me feel...

I don't even know how much more I can put in words and make it come out right...

The only other thing I can probably say right, is just how I feel about the future... I mean I'm nothing special at all when it comes to the initial dating phase of a relationship... I'm normally shy and not very quick to pick up on hints or the like... I know that most people are much better at dating than me, which makes me feel like I've already lost her... I know and I think Audra even said her self, that if she gets too separated from someone, she forgets what it was like and moves on... And I think that's what this situation is but I'm not sure at all... I'm still so confused...

It's really strange how I used to know what to say, all the right words at all the right times, and now I'm often at a loss for words... I know that next time we see each other, I'll be back to my nervous and shy self like I was in the beginning... The more I know someone likes me, the more open I am about myself and the things I do around them, and knowing there is heavy competition out there will make me clam up eventually...

I've been fighting with myself all day long... My head tells me to give up now before it hurts more later, but my heart tells me that she is a great girl, and the feeling that she gives me when I'm around her is unbelievable, and that I should walk through fire if that's what it takes to be with her... All the more reason why I'm so confused...

I partially feel like she still doesn't know the real me... I always saw her as a very open and honest person, but she brought up some problmes she had with me last night, and those things she didn't like were just me acting like I thought she wanted me to.... And now I know that I can be myself even more around her, but I don't know if that's enough?....

I think Friday (if I see her then...) will be a very pivotal day... Either it will be amazing like it has been in the past and everything will work out... Or it will be the worst date yet and will all fall apart...

Being the 'optimist' that I am, I think its going to fall apart... My heart is still silently hoping that I'm wrong...