My heart and mind...

Well... After a week in a good old relapse, giving myself hell for losing her... and after crying for hours late Saturday night... I finally am almost at ease.
Edmonson helped me realize what I didn't want to believe, and that is this is all the result of fate screwing up, or that I've lost her by my own fault. I know that I lost her, it is all my fault, and the worst thing is knowing that I screwed up time and time again and lost the person that I loved most, and will always love. It will always be my greatest regret, but there is nothing I can do about that now... and that really sucks, and it really really hurts. But what gives me even more pain than that, is to know that I didn't make her happy... Even though I think I could if I had a second chance, it's too late. I've lost her.
But I know, that there is something far worse and more painful than all this... and that would be not having her as a friend at all. It shoots my heart to the floor each time I see her get online... see her picture... but I think that's partially because I'm so fearful of total loss. I must have her as a friend, or else it will make this situation far more painful... it will cut the scar even deeper...
I remember during the night it ended for real... there were 5 glorifying moments where I thought that maybe she was right, and that we are just nothing more than really good friends. That is true, we are really good friends... but not much separates that from love... and I knew that the feeling in my heart was true love, and I let that slip... so I want to catch whatever I can before the slips away too.
I feel like I've started to move on... because there is nothing I can do... I need her as a friend to finally move past all this.
I only fear that her friends will interfere with fate... if that is a possibility... but knowing that none of them know me... and that I will never get the time of day to change their minds is very disturbing... I felt like I did the night it ended, and on Saturday when Cambrie got online and deleted Chelsea's comments from my wall... Remembering what we had always brings a smile to my face... Knowing that people are out there trying to keep me from smiling like that again, and my faults to not show my true love are the things that make my heart feel like it is going to stop beating...
I'm ranting...
Chelsea... I don't plan on talking about this with you anytime soon... I don't know how you're handling this so I believe it's best to leave it be. It's up to you to talk to me about all this once again... as friends... I never want to lose you again... even if you're only a friend...
Love always,
-Eric Michael Schue

*small edit*
found this in a friend's profile... thought it was surprisingly related.
"I did hurt you, Katie, and maybe more than you know yourself. But that's not my worst guilt. . . . Katie, I wanted to marry you. It was the only thing I ever really wanted. And that's the sin that can't be forgiven-that I hadn't done what I wanted."-Ayn Rand, "The FountainHead"I dunno... parts of it apply, parts don't... whatever... random rant / edit.