Thought provoking...

Interesting what 10 days can do to me...
Doesn't seem like 10 days at all, more like a month, maybe that's more in respect to my maturity level.. I guess with the length of each failed relationship I gain the same amount of maturity afterwards... But you would only truly see that if I let you get inside my head...
Not to dwell on audra (cuz I'm definitely not) but she did say two things to me in the last week that made me think...
One of them was her saying that she was sorry for her actions near and at the end of our relationship... And it just made me feel better to know I wasn't a total waste of time like I had begun to think I was... So I guess it made me realize that, to an extent, there can be a good friendship after a relationship (not so well proved by my ex)...
The other thing she said was that I was "marriage material" which I totally agree with, I mean there is probably nothing more important to me right now (besides family) than finding the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with... Although, I did think for a little bit, that maybe I'm not great "marriage material" - but who am I to judge after dating so few people? I've developed my own personal interpretation of what love is over the last year and I hope it keeps me on the right track towards happiness...
Now that I look back on the last 10 days, there is really only one other thing, or should I say person, that's been running through my mind... (BTW, I should count 11 days, which technically voids my last post, but considering my level of intoxication that night, I suppose it was somewhat understandable where I was coming from when I wrote it, such is the hindsight in many of my posts...) Anyways... I'll leave most of you in the dark on this one... Though, I will say, I hadn't read this persons profile until tonight... And I definitely liked it before I reached the bottom.... (even if they are only 50% true :-p - and I liked it even more after I read the bottom)
;-)
Edit: Then again, this could be me jumping the gun - again.... :-/

I was right....

I told you all I'd lose...
1 more date (2 total, if you count spending 5 days together through 2 different occasions) and they are going into a serious relationship and not her and I...
I didn't even get the chance to fix my mistakes...
Remind any of you of my last serious relationship? Yeah it reminds me too well and bring back too many bad memories... I'm not sobbing over her, but bringing back those memories might make me do that...
It took me a good two minutes just to delete all her text messages from the past month... Then got rid of movie ticket stubs, so I think that's everything... Oh almost forgot the pictures on my phone... Done....
Still keeping the phone number.... Oh again I forgot, need to take her off speed dial... Done...
Audra and I will be friends later, I'm pretty sure... The time we had together was always fun, and I had thoughts running through my head before that we could be just be really good friends rather than hooked up... I still need to get some music CDs from her...

In the end:
Sure I get to date around again now, and don't have to worry any more, have free weekend, don't have to spend so much money on gas and food...
But in the end, the negatives far outweigh the positives... This was my first time really giving it my all, after being over my ex, and wanting this to work out, thinking everything was great, and having it fall right in front of my face... I need a girl in my life... Ever since my ex, when I'm not around a girl or have a girlfriend (which hasn't been often) I just have this horrible bland look on my face, and I become very apathetic... It's just my general depression that I'm back too... Nothing about my ex, or Audra... Just generally depressed...
Such is my life...

I think I'll just sit around on my ass all day... Maybe break something, cut down another tree, or just drive around all day for no reason...
:-/

So confused in so many ways...

So just all who bother to read this knows what's going on, during the last week of space that Audra wanted, she went on a few random dates that she and I (kinda) knew had no real meaning or purpose, but she did go on one date that went better than those and probably better than ours have gone... What does that mean? What once was "our talk is long overdue" (the talk being about going into a committed relationship) got totally shattered in a day. So Audra and I talked about all this stuff last night and here we are... We are still 'dating' but I don't know exactly what to expect of that now...
I guess what makes it 'hurt' the most is that one date wiped out the last 10 we had... Really just makes me feel like I was just another date for her until something else came along... I know that's probably not what she really feels like, but its how it makes me feel...

I don't even know how much more I can put in words and make it come out right...

The only other thing I can probably say right, is just how I feel about the future... I mean I'm nothing special at all when it comes to the initial dating phase of a relationship... I'm normally shy and not very quick to pick up on hints or the like... I know that most people are much better at dating than me, which makes me feel like I've already lost her... I know and I think Audra even said her self, that if she gets too separated from someone, she forgets what it was like and moves on... And I think that's what this situation is but I'm not sure at all... I'm still so confused...

It's really strange how I used to know what to say, all the right words at all the right times, and now I'm often at a loss for words... I know that next time we see each other, I'll be back to my nervous and shy self like I was in the beginning... The more I know someone likes me, the more open I am about myself and the things I do around them, and knowing there is heavy competition out there will make me clam up eventually...

I've been fighting with myself all day long... My head tells me to give up now before it hurts more later, but my heart tells me that she is a great girl, and the feeling that she gives me when I'm around her is unbelievable, and that I should walk through fire if that's what it takes to be with her... All the more reason why I'm so confused...

I partially feel like she still doesn't know the real me... I always saw her as a very open and honest person, but she brought up some problmes she had with me last night, and those things she didn't like were just me acting like I thought she wanted me to.... And now I know that I can be myself even more around her, but I don't know if that's enough?....

I think Friday (if I see her then...) will be a very pivotal day... Either it will be amazing like it has been in the past and everything will work out... Or it will be the worst date yet and will all fall apart...

Being the 'optimist' that I am, I think its going to fall apart... My heart is still silently hoping that I'm wrong...

It's official...

I'm a cripple!
I did something funny to my bad knee yesterday (probably walking like a normal person, go fig) and am paying the price for it today and probably tomorrow. So much for the work out schedule... But at least I'm sticking to a diet now...
Cut down a massive tree Saturday with Wojo, Pike Lumberjacks!, and had a bonfire that night too. Went home that night as well, went joy riding around 10, then was playing beer pong (and kicking ass by the way) by 12ish with Erica for her birthday. Night went pretty fast all considered, and left around 4:30. Had to get up at 8 for breakfast with the rents. Passed out on the couch after we got back. Went joy riding to Starbucks around 1 before heading back to the Haute...
Homework sucks... I'll have trouble getting it all done so I can have fun after classes today at Ambrosini's...
But homework isn't the reason why I'm still awake when I should be sleeping...
I'll let you guess why I'd let something keep me up at night....
Guess I'll try to go to sleep... g'night

Just another day...

2nd day of the quarter... I'm still adjusting to my regular 5 hours of sleep and so far its not going well... This quarter's classes are looking OK... Might turn into a bitch in the end, but it definitely can't be as bad as the end of this last quarter. Even better yet, I may only have 1 real final to take at the end :-D I'm still heavily procrastinating, something I was always good at, mostly in school but I do it in relationships too (small epiphany lol). I hate humanities where I have to read a lot... I feel asleep like 10+ times this morning trying to read 30 pages (I was supposed to read 54, I didn't get that far) and I need to be at page 100 by Thursday... Grrr...
Monday night we had a record number of people at Ambrosini's, 17 Pikes, not bad at all! I love it when there are so many people there like that. A down side, I think my tolerance is going up even more. By senior year I'll probably be like Harmon, and need like 4 before I leave lol. Oh well, its still cheap.
What to do this weekend? Looks like I won't be seeing Audra for a while, so I'm kinda clueless what to do since I kind of blew everyone else off after we started dating... Maybe go to B-Town and party with Erica... I haven't seen Kristen in over a year, even though its a long drive to Quincy IL it would still be a good time since we can go out to the bars together now... Maybe go home and go on some drives, clean up my car and such... Or just stay here and try to make the best of it... Hit the bars hard maybe? Spend some more quality time with my little bro's? Eddy will be here this weekend, so I can get some awesome First Wok for dinner... That'd be pretty nice... Sounds like I still have a life and options after all lol...
I'll try to make the best of it...
I hate being right sometimes... I shouldn't be worrying, cuz I would think that if Audra was going to stop dating me, she'd be up front about it instead of 'asking for space'...
"NIN - Everyday is exactly the same" and "NIN - Right where it belongs" are the songs for the day... I'm on a Trent Reznor trip again...
Does that say something about my state of mind? Perhaps... Don't think too much about that one, cuz you really don't know me...

I haven't...

Had a weekend like that in a very long time...
I loved spending my entire weekend with Auddy, I think that's a good sign...
St. Louis was great, dinner was great, bowling with her was great, everything about her is great...
All my 'concerns' that I accumulated over break were blown away within a few hours... They simply didn't matter... When you feel like that, the stupid small things seem insignificant...
I woke up this morning thinking about her again... Just before that song 'HIM - Wings of a butterfly' wound up in my head...
I have a problem: I get too emotionally attached to someone I think is right for me too soon... I have to hold myself back from making plans and what not just because I still know it could be gone tomorrow. It's the same reason why I get so worked up when I say the wrong things to her... I know I have to be perfect, and I don't know if I can be...
I wish I knew what I needed to do...
I think too much... Maybe going back to school will help with that... But that just means I don't get to see her as much :-/

What a day...

Well the drive back was very long, but with some really good highlights to go with it...
I found an Escalade that was doing about 90-100 MPH down the Pennsylvania Turnpike (aka toll road of I-76 and I-70) and decided to follow with distance for about 45 minute until he got off... Which meant I made really good time, but also got really bad gas mileage heading into the wind now and going fast. Got to Ohio and made a short detour to check out one of the largest Lamborghini dealerships in the US... Very Very Very Nice! They had a bunch of Murcielagos (both roadster and non) and even more Gallardos and a few Diablos... They even had my favorite - a Diablo VT 6.0 :-D (in red) and technically a 'pre' VT 6.0 Diablo Roadster (in black), it was rather sexy as well :-D. I spent almost two hours resisting drooling over the cars, talking to the dealer people and taking pictures. Got to Indiana, picked up whatever I left behind and was on the road again to Terre Haute within 30 minutes... Got to Terre Haute, unpacked what I didn't need, and got back on the road to go to Effingham. Seeing Auddy was definitely THE highlight of the night :)
The next day we left around 11 to go to St. Louis... I thought we had a great drive down it was just hilarious when we are together, it makes me happy :) Then went to the Zoo and had lots of fun there too, then went to see the Arch, but the line to go up in it was huge, so we just left and went to Union Station where I said one dumb thing that Auddy took wrong... Still had some fun there, it was just a downer for me and her for the rest of the night - stupid stuff... grrrrrr... still makes me mad thinking about it - I'm so dumb. Anyways, then went to Lawatta Creek (I know I can't spell) and had some great food - with great company ;) I still have a whole meal left over in the fridge :) Then went to the mall and just walked around, then drove back to Effingham... Auddy slept in the car on the way back while I drove back... She's so adorable when she's sleepin' :) Soon after getting back home it was time for her to go to work... By the end of the night I hope she understood or realizes differently now that what I said doesn't really apply or matter after today... I hope I'm right!
Tomorrow - Run to Autozone, pick up oil filters (yes plural, cuz I'm a jack ass and bought another 5 quarts of oil when I already had 5 in my trunk, so I might as well get two), bitch at Starbucks to give me those damn free cereal things (or I will shoot someone this time), get my car washed, then change my oil. Then soon after I really really hope I get to see Auddy again. It would be a good start to this quarter :)
Night all,
-Happy Eric

Vacation Day 5, 6, and 7?

I've lost track hahah, but you know what? That's what vacations are all about, totally forgetting about time and just having fun!
So days 5 and 6 were rather similar... David goes to work, I eventually wake up, play computer games or talk to Auddy till he gets home, go out to some cool place for dinner and just chill for the rest of the night. It was rather disappointing that we didn't get to go to the Sam Adams brewery in Boston... That was going to be a huge highlight for the trip, but they only give tours Thursday, Friday, and Saturday... Well I was sick on Saturday, and had to leave Thursday, go figure... Wish I had brought more appropriate skiing / snowboarding gear, as I think that could have been quite fun if I could have found the slopes on my own and just been snowboarding or skiing while David was at work, but oh well... The problems of poor planning which have prevailed throughout this trip present themselves once again!
Day 7... Was well... Started extremely boring and shitty to say the least.... Simply no better way to put it for the hours of about 6am to 6pm... Only bonus during that time frame was that I got to talk to Audra ;)
Where to begin? Well I spent 3 hours tooting around with my bro getting his crotch rocket (a huge impulse buy in my opinion but whatcha gonna do? I still have way more money than he does lol) so that was slightly unexpected and lead into a huge series of problems because I started too late getting to Philadelphia, PA... So I planned on leaving at 11 at the latest, well I didn't get packing till then, and managed to get on the road by 12:20 ish.... Well I hit 'the shit' (as I like to call it) several times on the trek... It started snowing in Massachusetts / Connecticut, and they did a really shitty job of preparing for this one, 1 of the 3 lanes were shut down due to bad plowing, and the other two were 'safe' at best... In my rush I still managed 40 to 55 in the overly cautious traffic... Then snow turned to sleet and sleet turned to rain the farther south I got till I hit NYC and Rhode Island... By now (due to the delay in getting on the road and snow) it is rush hour, and I hit 'the shit' there too, and spend about an hour or more sitting in traffic where eventually rain turns back to sleet and snow... I never really emerge from that period of 'the shit' as a fair amount of people commute from NJ to NY... And NJ turnpike was on my way to PA... grrrrr By this point I've got some serious road rage going on, and no music could really calm me down...
Well I finally made it to PA, and once again Google was wrong, but in the bad way... Instead of making record time, I exceeded the predicted time by like 40 minutes +.... Damnit....
But, there is good in this day... Spending time with my cousin Allison was awesome... Dare I say, the best day of my vacation to date... We walked to a awesome restaurant and had some awesome food and awesome beer and it was all on her tab! Then we walked to a friend's party (because they are now on spring break starting like meow) and had some more great times! We can just talk and talk (probably cuz we never see each other :-p)... Just catching up with her today made this a great night... Unfortunately it adds another item to the lists of my regrets (including not leaving VA early enough) that I should have come here a day earlier cuz most people where done by then too, and it would have just made for another awesome day!
Oh well, I'm definitely going to plan to make another stop out here sometime late in the summer, between the time she starts school and I am still working... It will be awesome! They have a awesome angry Irish man that runs quizo Sunday nights, I gotta come back for that!
So ends the mainstay of my vacation... A damn good end I must say...
But now for the best part of all (kinda) - I get to go home and see Auddy!!!!!!! I say kinda, cuz I'm going to hate the predicted 12.5 hour drive to home (plus the 1.5 hour drive to the Haute, plus the 1 hour drive to see Auddy)... So I'm predicting google is wrong this time, and it will take me 10 hours to get home, so that's 12.5 hours in the car... Oye...
It's worth it though ;)