I've hit rock bottom....

And I don't think I'm coming back...
Where to begin... Well first off, I had forgotten I had a blog until a random brother told me he reads it... So here I am once again, and if you don't like sad depressing posts, then you better stop reading right now...
So its not like I've spent the last 3 weeks coming to this conclusions... Its more or less the truth about myself as its come to be...
Simply put, there is nothing left for me to contribute to this world... Sure, I surround myself with my brothers that I hold so dearly, and would do anything for, but when it comes down to it, I am very dependent on a single person in my life through which I truly depend on... I feel like I can never have that person again, because in the end, I'll end up hurting that person, one way or another...
Here I am, sitting in my room, sober, on a Saturday night, even worse when its the night of one of our 5 huge parties throughout the year...
Why?
Because no one, and I mean no one can ever repair my wounds because I will always pick open the scabs to bleed again... I've gone as far as ignoring help from others because after 6 months of this shit, I know it is a futile effort that will probably only end up making my depression worse... My depression is permanent, there is no other alternative, no cure, not even her...
There is so little left keeping me alive, and what little there is, is drifting away with each passing day... The only reason I'm still alive is what little religion I have left, to try and make my parents proud, and to never let my brothers down...
I will never make it to 25... By then I'll have graduated, left this beautiful Fraternity I hold so dear, and I'll have nothing left to make my parents proud... Combined with the pointless, endless monotony of the working life, I will surely want to end my life...
Life sucks, then you die... Life already sucks, and now I want to die... Get this wasted life over with...
It's late, my shirt is wet with my tears, and I might as well go to bed... Maybe, hopefully, I'll never wake up...

Timing is a bitch...

That's an underlining fact of almost everything... most recently exacerbated by the chelsea dilemma... but no more need to worry about that... I've wasted too much time thinking how things would have been different, not always if something I did wrong could have been fixed, but if timing wasn't a bitch... I told myself a while ago that if I had found a girl like her a year later, everything would have been perfect... but anyways that's not what I'm really wanting to talk about...
Well since chelsea never gave me real closure and everything she has done since has made my life a wreck will soon be over, because I'm finally giving myself closure... Basically I'm going to sit down one day soon and write what will probably be my last meaningful email to her... It will explain how I feel about the last almost 6 months and why I'm going to do what I've got planned next... I know its the final step in my real recovery, well really damn close... The rest will come with a little more time, but once I finally lift this off my heart myself things will get better...
I guess I can make that a new year's resolution... to be able to move on like she has about this, like a bump in the road... I don't like the idea of that, but its clear I have to, or else I know I wouldn't make it to thirty before I ended up in the newspaper, if you catch my drift...
Well, Christmas this year lead to a pretty awesome haul, the only downside to it was that my desktop broke afterwards, and I've decided to give it a little upgrade before I blow a bunch of money on a totally new one... so if I had known that a little bit earlier maybe some of that could have been in under the tree instead of out of my wallet... Oh well, timing is a bitch...
Lan over break was sweet... I wish we could do that more often but cuz rose is on quarters, it doesn't line up well for everyone... Oh well, timing is a bitch....
Also my computer shat itself during the Lan and I didn't get to play a single game... Oh well, timing is a bitch...
I bought two games right before the Lan, I didn't get to play either, and later found out one of them was defective when I tried to install it on my laptop the next night, at 10 o'clock, right after everything closed... Oh well, timing is a bitch...
Damn I've got a good theme going on here! Just a few more :)
I should have made this post a few days ago, and I should have gone to bed two hours ago, and I have to leave tomorrow for school so I can get my homework done... Oh well, timing is a bitch!
Sitting here, I randomly contemplated if I'll still need some kind of therapy, or if time will really heal my mental and emotional "disorder"... I really don't know, and that kind of scares me...
Anyways... Time for bed I suppose... I've got a lot to do tomorrow before I can leave for school... Then after that I've got a lot of homework to do... fun fun...
Hope you all had a great Christmas and wish you all a happy new year!