Very Very Very...

Depressed...
I thought time away from her would help....
That cutting off all communication would do something to take away the pain...
But every day it gets worse and worse...
Just the shear act of having to send her a message on aim to get some stuff back made my hands tremble...
My heart is racing, my stomach upset, my eyes filled with tears, it will never get better...
Every moment that passes me by pushes me further into depression...
Everything about me directs me to only one conclusion, and that is that my life is over...
Anything else is only 2nd best, and to settle for 2nd best for the one thing I care most about is something I won't stand for...
I'd be long dead by now if it wasn't for the same morals keeping me alive that also tear my life apart...
I hate my life...
I have nothing left to live for...
People like me don't deserve to live...

Once again....

Once again, I find myself, bored, thinking about the past, thinking about my present, and thinking about my future...
I know exactly what I want, but I don't think I'll ever have it all... One day I'll finally cope with the idea of only living my life half fulfilled, but I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon... I put myself in this position, not fate... Fate is bullshit because we have a God given right to make our own decisions... Living out my life half fulfilled is my punishment for the mistakes I've made, but I guess I'm thankful I'm still alive...
I don't know what I feel, and don't know if I'll ever feel at all again...
I look back on my life and I can say without a doubt that I've made many more bad decisions than good... I still feel that way today, right now at this very moment...
I don't know what to do, I feel lost once again...
I wish someone could just sweep me away from all this pain and misery...
Excuse the shitty post... I'm tired and I want to go to bed... Goodnight...

I hate free time...

I think free time is the last thing I needed...
At least when I'm at school I don't have the time of day to dwell on anything too long...
No time to sit down and absorb the pointless life I'm living... But here I am... with a severe abundance of free time, and this is the kind of crap that results...
Odd isn't it? How someone like me, so set to go into the field of engineering, so determined to live a rich and respected life, but yet never so undermineded to think that I don't like what I'm doing with my life...
Rose-Hulman has swallowed me whole, and after 55 more weeks of pain, will spit me out, and I think when it does, I won't find myself on the map of where I want to be in life.
I seriously wish I could disappear to Philmont for a year or two...
There is only one thing I ever wanted in life and day by day I think more and more that I'll never have it. Without it, I seriously question the very point of my existence...
I've been staring at my desk for the past hour... My life is meaningless...
I'm falling asleep in my chair.... I'll post more tomorrow in my infinite amount of free time and boredom... g'night

Catching up... Katsup?

Yeah... Its 4 am... Waiting for a phone call or some form of communication...
Anyways, I told you I was going to post... a little delayed but here I am.
So... that final I was supposed to get up for in 5 hours.... well I didn't wake up till 6 hours cuz my alarm didn't go off... I turn and look at my clock randomly that was set to go off at 5:55 (I like times that look cool haha) and note that its 6:55... I think for a second, say "oh shit" and run out the door in like 5 minutes... forgetting to look up where my final is at before leaving, so yeah, it was a crazy morning and a so-so last final... I'm really eager to see my grades, and they don't come out till Monday morning... I want a A since I haven't gotten one in over a year, and I need a high GPA as a 3.67 (my best guess high grade) could raise my cumulative GPA from 3.05 to 3.16 which gives me a much better comfort zone going into this very crapy quarter thats coming up... And on that note, my Pike buddies have convinced me to do a major schedule change so I actually take core classes with people I know... its a really smart move that I should have made earlier... So I'm going to be a very busy bee the first Monday of school trying to drop 2 two classes, move one and add 2... ohye
Well thats all the old stuff... I have $100 worth of new clothes and I need more haha! I've grown tired of seeing a plethora of t-shirts in my closet... I need new shoes too - yeah laugh all you want at that pun or whatever.
You know what I really need? A brain implant that shocks me every time I think something chelsea related. I have to admit that they occurrences are a lot less frequent now that I don't have to deal with her or any of her friends directly, but I have a lot of reminders implanted in my memory that I sometimes wish weren't there. Most days I'll wander thru thinking about all the good things and the positive parts of where my life could be going, but I hate the random spatterings of pain I have... Its like a mouse trap in a very large room, I can walk around in it all day but eventually I'll step on it, and for a few minutes it will hurt until I just shake it off and throw it to another corner of the room only to do it again later. Crap, what was that movie with Jim Carey.... Umm.... durr... Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind - yeah I need a machine like that where it can destroy all your memories of something like this that has tormented me for so long. I know if chelsea reads that one she'll be pissed... if she ever found my blog again... she doesn't understand so I don't think she has a right. Anyways... thats a good movie, its odd, I'd buy it if I knew for sure it wouldn't make me emotional now... I think it almost did when I saw it... its just a really good movie...
Oh well... I just hope things work out this weekend... 3 weeks is too much and 5 would be horrible... Thats the only reason I'm still up and typing this right now... My very cold fingers are crossed, waiting for an answer...
I'm trying to do all my Xmas shopping this quarter break... I got some ideas for some certain people... Its nice to have a small family, you only have to buy 3 gifts, then tack on close friends that are deserving of my anual splurge... estimating spending $500 - $600...
Still waiting... I guess I'll just leave a message and hope I find out something tomorrow morning... Well this morning heh...
Go Team [(TM) Benis Inc.] :)

Maybe later

I'll update the blog after my last final... This is really just a reminder to myself...
As a side note... I really don't dwell on some things like I tend to do in the blog... Thats probably because I haven't been able to totally open up to someone yet and it just ends up coming out on here kind of... but really I do spend most of my time being happy to be alive and having good friends (like Erica & Jeni) that mean the world to me...
K, I really need my sleep before my 8 am final...

Random Stuff...

Umm lets see...
Finals are pretty well destroying me... Its a good thing 12 of the Pikes went out to Applebee's to get drunk, that was a good break.
Uploaded an ass load of pictures to Facebook today so check em out... I was running through old pictures from Philmont... God I love that place... I would do anything to go back out there for another trek... I mean yeah I ran across a lot of pictures of chelsea (which was kind of depressing when you're trying to find a picture of just yourself not including chelsea) and have a really hard time finding them... But Philmont made every worry go away... I just need to reminisce about the good days when she wasn't there... they are hard to find but they exist.
Well that said I'll probably get a few more bitchy comments about how chelsea wound up in here again... oh well... if there is anything you should know about me now is that I'm waiting for someone else to show me that there is someone better out there for me... I never liked the chase, I always give up way too early cuz of my low self esteem, and I hate drama / any other complications... I don't know if thats just me not having any dating experience or just not having the time of day to give a shit... Oh well all I know is that I want to go back to Philmont!
You know what I just realized is wrong with me??? Everyone that I have interest in (all 2 of them) when it comes to pursuing a relationship don't stop dead in their tracks for me like I would for them... I really need to start doing the same... Not stop caring for them or pursuing them, but just get working on this whole being single and being out going thing so that I have options rather than being an option. It'll be hard to do with the Rose lifestyle but for my sanity I have to try! I'll still always be loyal to those that were there first... If you ever call me then I'll always be there for you... I just won't be waiting around sitting on my hands for you to come get me...
I liked this post.... Hope you did too....
Good night girls, sweet dreams, and Go Team :)

I like Epiphanies...

So I'm just chilling here...
It's been a long day going round the Haute with Jeni, which just made my day...
Well... since I am just chilling here, nothing to do, I get to thinking about things in my life, like how I'm doing... Which is something I haven't evaluated in a while...
I really don't know what I want in life... I mean I know some things... Like I know I want someone to share everything with for the rest of my life, I like seriously can't wait to find that special person and get married because it bugs me that in a year and a half I won't have a dating scene or social life anymore, yes even less than I have now, thats why it scares me... All the more reason why I hated losing chelsea... I know that I'll have a burning passion for something in my future... whether its my wife or something else outside of work like Boy Scouts or God knows what... I just know I'll have a much happier life with a lady always by my side... Thats one thing I think I've recently come to terms with, that I am a needy person, and that so few people care for me, and let alone always be there for me, that when someone even slightly cares I just put all my time into that person hoping that they feel they need me too...
Ugh... Sorry it seems all I can talk about in this damn blog is my relationships... Its the only thing that isn't going well in my life, with the exception of not enough free time but there isn't anything I can do about that... After watching 40 year old virgin today with Jeni, I seriously thought that would be me in 20 years... so socially inept that I will simply float off into the void of life after college...
It is a seriously depressing thought to be 21 years old and thinking that you're too old, it's already too late, you've lost the game of life / love and you're destined to die alone... I've past my prime - take me out to the green fields and shot me...
I can't think of anything else to say... been staring at this damn screen for 40 minutes now...
My life revolves around my brothers and my friends that give a shit... All of which could disappear after college... then what else will I have to live for?
I seriously don't think anyone reads this anymore... Who the hell would want to?
I'm consistantly finding out that those I care so much about don't care as much about me... That is such a cold and harsh feeling... It makes me want to give up on life... I plan to let Rose consume me and fall off the face of the Earth...
G'night...

The Engineer in me...

So lets see if I can say this right the first time without pissing anybody off...
Lets give this a try after thinking about it for a bit...
So... If there is one thing I can say I really learned from the last two years, is what a serious relationship really is... like what it is down to the core... If you look back a while you'll find a point where I read a younger Brother's blog and he had some very interesting views on the subject of what a serious relationship really was as he recently went through something similar although not nearly as severe as mine... Anyways, I took part of his view and formulated the following over the past month... So all these thoughts are mine, no fucking quotes here, nothing from anyone else's experiences but my own... Damn those fucking quotes about love, I hate them...
So, what have I missed most the last 4 months? I could say so many things, her face, her hugs, her eyes, her hair, the undeniable link between us, the undeniable compatibility... But you boil off the exterior and you get to the root of it all... Love... but really all love is, is simply an extreme situation where you care for someone more than anyone else, even your own family at times... And that is what I miss... Yes chelsea are linked for life, but that is just history and it isn't what has been tearing me apart. What has been tearing me apart is losing that someone who cares for me more than the world and thinking I'll never have it again.
I'm getting off track... Ok so caring above all else is what makes a wonderful serious relationship... because if you care for them enough then you're willing to do anything for them and that will always instill feelings in both people that make the relationship go round.
But why would anyone ever care so much about someone? Well my view of this one might differ from others... I believe that there is SOME divine intervention when you find someone special that makes your heart burn with fire... BUT I also believe that God doesn't control our lives... God only created the Earth and Life (if you believe that route) and then pretty well stepped out of the picture 2000 years ago... Hence why I say God would only do so much as introduce you to someone special, and from there on out it is up to YOU using your own God given sense of logic and thought to MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP WORK... I believe in destiny in the sense that it is by the smallest chance in the world to find someone great... but it is still entirely up to those people to realize how lucky they are, to make the best of it, and not drop the ball... God doesn't decide that a relationship isn't meant to be, only that the possibility exists and from there on out, just like life itself, you're on your own...
I guess that just adds to why I'm so pissed off about the whole ex thing. Everything in my life dictates that everything happened for the wrong reason or should have never happened at all...
At the same time, part of me says that life goes on and I'll find someone that cares about me like she did... but far too often I let my other multiple thoughts about what shouldn't have gone wrong overrun that one thought of life going on...
All I need is someone who cares for me just as much or more than she did, and then I can finally subdue the thoughts that keep me up at night and bring tears to my eyes...
Well I think I got that all in the right order so that it makes some sense... My thought process got messed up when I found a bad away message on a friend's profile that I care a lot about...
Just got off the phone... Hopefully I helped... I'm glad she called me...
I'm wide awake and it is really tempting to just drive down there right now and have someone else turn in my homework....
thats how much I care...

on a quick side note, where the hell did everyone else go? not naming names but seems like everyone else dropped off the radar but Erica... All the more reason why I care for her... cuz she gives a damn about me :)

Sorry in advance...

So yeah... although this last week has been pretty good despite how busy it has been and by no means is reflective of the last post I made... I have to say I'm a very impulsive person when it comes to making a post, and right now not the best things have been going through my head... once again not representative of what I'm thankful for this last week... Damn you Erica for wanting to make another post... I really hope this one doesn't piss you off... I'd feel really bad...
I'm not even sure where to start...
*pause*
Seriously, how the hell did I end up in this kind of mood?
I have so many great things going on in my life yet I have to spend all my time dwelling on the past or things I can't control and worry about...
Here I am... about ready to pass out on my keyboard... only still awake because I'm waiting on a phone call and Stargel has a really good knack for getting me to talk a lot...
*pause*
So yeah... Seriously... I hate my life... Everything in this world that has been good to me is completely dampened by a culmination of circumstances that make 1 event that has completely wrecked my life... None of it F'ing matters... I could have not even gone to school at all, I could not have a car, I could not be apart of my amazing Fraternity, I could have a horrible family with a horrible story to tell everyone about how much it sucks to be me, but all of that wouldn't matter if I had 1 thing. Thats how much I care for that 1 thing... Yes... if you haven't gotten the clue yet, Stargel got me started looking through old pictures and I've spent the last hour or more looking at pictures of the only 2 years in my life worth remembering... 4 god damn months and I'm still here, breaking down in my chair at 2 o'clock in the god damn morning during F'ing 10th week with finals coming up and somehow I still manage to think about it...
I feel like no one can ever understand... So please, don't get mad at me... I really don't need that right now....
"I'm falling apart again, and I can't find a way to make amends, and I'm looking in both directions, but it's make believe, it's all pretend. So... Shed some light on me, and hold me up in disbelief, and shed some light on me, and tell me something that I'll believe in."
I'm sorry if you just read this... believe me, I'm a fingers click away from deleting it... but i guess I have no one to really vent too, so I vent to the world in hopes someone will reach out and pick me back up...
I'm going to wash the tears off my face and try to get some sleep...
I'm sorry and goodnight...

The Good and the Bad...

Which do you want first? Sorry, my choice... :-p

The Good:
I have a new Little Bro, I'm so stoked!
I already have a job offer from Cummins!
Daimler-Chrysler wants me but needs more time...
Caterpillar wants me but they are slow like that...
I'm part of the best damn Fraternity and Chapter ever...
I have lots of money from this summer to spend on alcohol!
This quarter is almost over...
I magically lost 20lbs.
I have Starbucks whenever I want it!
I'm getting trashed this weekend while I work on my beer pong skills!

The Bad:
Edmonson will be gone soon and I still haven't talked to him about things... I've been a slap visiting Peppy...
Only companies want my ass... Girls never do... I shutter as I feel old and single...
I have the best damn Brothers anyone could ask for, but I am horrible at keeping good friends outside of that... When I want to have a good friends I usually end up caring too much and somehow making me hate myself later for it...
The only reason I have so much free money is because I have nothing else to spend it on - ie a real hobby other than drinking, or a girlfriend
This quarter is almost over but it wasn't as memorable as I'd like it to be, mostly because I was depressed a lot and I'm not living in the main house...
Yeah I lost weight, but it was all muscle loss and not fat loss... Yet another reason why I can't pick up the ladies...
I have Starbucks but in limited supply, get it while it lasts fools!
I suck at beer pong but kick ass at caps... Heh, I don't get it...

Yeah so I should have probably wrote that in the other order so I don't get bitched at for writing another bad post... but oh well, too much work to change it.

in phi phi kappa alpha,
-Schue

w00t!

So yeah, Cummins got their act together and got me a job offer before anyone else (ie Caterpillar or Daimler-Chrysler) as a Midrange Design Engineer (in non-tool/engineer speak thats the guy that designs everything that goes into making Dodge Ram turbo diesel engines :) So yeah, it is a kick ass job and will be hard to pass up... I think Caterpillar is already out of the running unless they give me a awesome job assignment and pay me more... Daimler-Chrysler probably already takes the cake - if they give me an offer. There is just so much more you can do in the automotive industry so that adds to the bonus of never getting bored/running out of options within the company... I'd still like to have a plant trip if they do extend me a formal offer...
So besides the fact that I'll be rolling in the dough this summer, what else is new? Well I've created my own Starbucks in the Annex DOS (take that JavaHaute!)... I've got the secret ingredients that they never sell to anyone from a secret source... oh my goodness, soooo nice, fraps all the time mmmmmm I'm going to get fat! wait i already am haha! shit! haha!
Ummm what else... yeah, two tests today that I think I did well on... but I know you really don't care about that... So instead I'll tell you about the rest of my life since Sunday afternoon - BORING! F Homework, I want out of school and to go back to work for Cummins... I made some good friends there...
Ugh... well.... :-/ yeah...
Yay Jobs, Yay Schue-bucks (formerly Starbucks), Boo School!
go team....